Heterosexual Marriage

For many decades, young men visiting their pastors, favorite professors or dormitory deans to shamefacedly confess their unwanted attraction to other men have been told reassuringly, “Just find a nice girl and get married. Then you’ll get over these feelings.”

Other young men, perhaps too embarrassed to talk about their unconventional desires, simply pray over and over that God will remove them. They convince themselves that if they just do “what is right” and get married, God will change their feelings.

And in most cases, such young men have gone out hopefully, looked over the available choices, selected a nice-looking, talented, spiritual girl, and cultivated her acquaintance. Often talented and personable themselves, it is usually not difficult to woo and win their chosen ladies. Their reticence toward physical affection has been interpreted as a sign of good character. And so they have married.

What happened next? Did the predicted change take place immediately? Eventually? What was this marriage like for their wives? For their children? Is this the best answer for men – or women – with a homosexual orientation?

Illustrating their dilemma, David Wallace Anderson says, “There is a line in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ [that goes], ‘A bird may fall in love with a fish, but where would they live?’ If I love honestly, and give honestly in the name of that love, and the other is not sufficiently nurtured…, do I blame them for ‘gasping for air’? It seems to me, that whether I am the bird holding the fish in my nest, or the fish holding the bird under water, as the one recognizing the distress of the other, it is up to me to let go. Should I curse the air or the water for giving an essential that I cannot, and without which the person I love is withering? And can I hold it against the other who does curse the air or the water for depriving it of the love it craves? All I can do is say, ‘I love you. This is who I am; if we can walk together it will be lovely.’ And if not, to say good-bye without animosity.”

The following stories are by men and women who grew up in the Adventist Church . Their relationship to God has been an integral part of their lives. Many of them have been in positions of church leadership and are well-known in Adventist circles. They are real people, not yet perfect, struggling with situations they never asked for and do not fully understand. They have told their stories with complete frankness. They may not always act in ways that you, the reader, think ideal. They may come to conclusions with which you cannot agree. But you are invited to walk for a while in their shoes. You are encouraged to study the life of Jesus and ask yourself, How would Jesus relate to them?

S T O R I E S

Nick and Cecelia

Alex and Annette

Tom and Janice

Lisa

Ted

Matthew

Janney

Mark and Ingrid

Amy

David

Ted Haggard